You Don't Have To Be So Nice.

The best piece of advice I’ve ever received, was given to me in a parking lot between bites of nachos. Mid-crunch, my step mom looked me square in the eyes and said, “You don’t have to be so nice.”

In a moment where I was searching for sympathy, I was met with brutal honesty that I hadn’t asked for. Gotta love moms. 

--------------

To add a little context, a few nights prior I had an uncomfortable run in with a cat-caller. As most women know, avoiding strangely persistent men is a part of our daily routine. So much so, that when I relayed the story to my stepmom, I hadn’t even considered the broader issue. It was just another annoying part of my day that I wanted to vent about, hear an affirming “that sucks,” then return to my nachos while the memory faded away. 

Looking back, the term cat-caller doesn’t always make sense. When someone says “cat-caller” or “cat-calling,” my brain conjures up images of burly men on the street yelling obscenities and grabbing women whenever they please. While those people do exist, others aren’t as obvious. 

Sometimes they’re just another man on the subway. Sometimes their prowl will start with a stare that turns into a scoot towards your end of the bench. In my experience, they’ll keep staring until you give in and look back. Then they loudly state an overzealous compliment that’s not quite creepy, but still feels off. But it doesn’t matter really, because it would be rude to ignore him. So I didn’t. 

Instead I offered a sheepish smile and quiet “thanks,” then continued to look ahead, searching for just one other person to notice my discomfort. They didn’t, so I tried my best to to look busy. I read and reread subway signs, scrolled aimlessly through emails, and bobbed my head to music while waiting for him to stop staring. 

Apparently our conversation wasn’t over. 

When he continued to ask if I had a boyfriend, I politely lied and said “sorry, I do.” When he asked if I had plans, I said I was busy even though I wasn’t. I continued making excuses and awkward small talk with the understanding that he wasn’t going anywhere. Though I was very uncomfortable, I made sure to keep my responses short, but “nice.” Uninterested, but pleasant. And, overall, non-threatening. 

I suppose my made up boyfriend and imaginary dinner plans didn’t matter because when we reached my stop he got up with me. Still staring, still a little bit too close, and still trying to engage in conversation. 

I walked down the platform, up the stairs, and through the exit gate with this unnamed man trailing me. I couldn’t see him but I could feel his presence, and sure enough when a space cleared out he was back beside me. 

He asked, yet again, if I would go out with him. This time I said “no,” but in a stronger tone, with the comfort of having more people around to bare witness.  Before he could respond, I saw a bus, hopped on through the front door, took a seat, and exhaled. I rode in peace for a few minutes and texted my friends about the annoying man I met on the subway. 

For that short bit of time I felt safe. It wasn’t until I turned around to people watch that I realized he’d gotten on the bus behind me. Sitting by the rear exit, I recognized his eyes staring right at me like he had before. 

I was being followed and my only out was to ride a couple stops past my apartment, quickly exit, and walk home while watching my back. 

Thankfully I got to my apartment in one piece and quickly brushed off the situation. I thought that maybe I was just being dramatic, and maybe the bus thing was a coincidence. Maybe I was just a bitch who couldn’t take a compliment.

It wasn’t until a few days later while I was standing in that parking lot, munching on nachos with my stepmom, and telling what I thought was just another story that I snapped out of it. She cut me off when I got to the bus part, by the way, with that bit of advice I wasn’t expecting. 

In just six words, she so easily exposed a flaw I’d giving in to for far too long. 

So, for whoever needs to hear it, “You don’t have to be so nice.”

You don’t have to be “polite” when you feel uncomfortable. You don’t need fake boyfriends or any other excuse to turn someone down. You also don’t have to feel bad about doing so. You can say no. You can prioritize your well being over a stranger's feelings. You can trust your gut. You can ask someone for help. You can make a scene if you need to. 

Whatever you do, wherever you are, just remember to take care of yourself. And, of course, listen to your mother.