Written By: Jai King
When I think about dating, I compare it to a playground. If you want something quick and easy, you’ll take the slide approach. You want an on/off relationship, pick a swing.
If you want to take the ride of your life with a thrill so strong it makes you sick, then you will probably do well on the merry-go round.
I've had my share of fun, but for a while I was stuck on the merry go round.
Entering a situationship is always tricky. One minute, you're okay with the simplicity of things and then you're not. The easiest part is not putting a title on it, but someone always wants more out of the situation. And, I can admit, I always want more.
Before I really knew what I wanted out of my dating life, I would encounter guys who played games and it intrigued me. But I’d eventually tire of the game, and we’d both go back to our respective corners. Then when the feeling striked, we’d play again like no time had passed at all.
I tried to decipher if it was desperation or loneliness that kept me in this situation but
either way, I wondered if I was good enough to be more than a game. Maybe it’s because my ego wasn’t getting stroked or maybe the wrong person was doing the stroking.
I’m a person who thrives off of reassurance and clear communication and if the person I’m interested in can't fulfill my needs, I feel unwanted. Expecting those needs to be met is equivalent to pulling teeth, especially with guys who think expressing your feelings is a form of arguing.
As I look back on some of my less than favorable situationships, one guy in particular sticks out to me, he goes by many different names: Do Not Answer, Toxic Male, Disappointment, etc. but my favorite is Wishy Washy.
He is a person who doesn't know what he wants, avoids his real feelings, and strung me along for years, and is the most unreachable person I know.
But he wasn’t always like this. If he showed his true colors in the beginning, I would have never entertained the thought of him. I thought he was a nice guy whose intentions were pure. We went out on dates, hung out on multiple occasions and vibed really well. He was also older than me which was a win at the time because I believed Older = More Mature, Please feel free to laugh at my naivety, I wasn’t up on my game yet!
After a couple of months I noticed he lacked consistency. We stopped hanging out regularly, and then he only wanted to see me after hours. I did some digging and found out he was involved with other girls and decided to cut things off. This cycle went on for many years. He would apologize, I would accept it, we were good and then we weren’t.
It’s as if he sensed my happiness without him then popped up like a pimple. I felt so used and whenever I was in his presence I felt small. I wasn’t always confident in my self image and I believe he picked up on that early so any conversation or interaction with him made me feel special and he would play on my emotions. It wasn’t until he would use this tone of disgust as if anything I said never made sense and I would start to question myself. I thought maybe one day I’d be good enough for him and he’d see me for what I really was: somebody who cared about him regardless of his nonchalant exterior. He made me feel bad for wanting to be treated respectfully and made me feel crazy for demanding honesty. But he had no problem asking me for sexual favors and only would comply if my body was the answer. I gave in many times not knowing that I was lowering the bar for my self respect and allowing him to treat me the way he did.
Now you may be asking: “If he made you feel so bad, why did you continue to entertain the foolishness?”
These events transpired when I was younger and able to be easily manipulated. This man was one of my first crushes, so I thought if I did what he said, I’d get what I want. Instead he got what he wanted from me and left me emotionally scarred. As I got older and started soul searching, attending therapy, repeating daily affirmations and practicing self-love I realized nothing was wrong with me and I didn’t need to accept half ass excuses and mistreatment from anyone. I had to stop expecting half of a man to make me feel whole.
Things really turned around when I started feeding positive connections and starving the people and things that made me unhappy. He still tries to contact me every so often but since I've released myself from his emotional grasp, it doesn’t phase me anymore.
If you’re experiencing something similar, do yourself a favor and make a list of pros and cons to see if the negatives outweigh the positives. It sounds cliche but it helped me. I am more confident in myself and what I want and let guys know what I expect out of dating. And if I sense any pushback, I exit immediately. I won’t settle for less and neither should you.
If you find yourself on a merry go round in life, consider why you’re really there. Are you filling your time with meaningful people and relationships or are you hoping your cheap “thrill” turns into a romantic connection?
Getting off the ride may be difficult but if the childish games don’t excite you anymore, the playground won’t be hard to leave.
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